I was at a fertility yoga workshop last week and the teacher asked me to join this workshop in order to share my fertility story. I was happy to do this. What I did not think about or see coming was that I was sitting in the same room where I had been before for an exceptional painful session with my fertility coach. I could feel how pictures and feelings came back, it felt like a big wave of the past was trying to find its way through my body…I remembered, we were on our adoption journey and the birth mom who selected us went into labor. She called us in the morning when her contractions had started and told us, it’s time to meet at the hospital. Andy and I we were so excited we dropped everything and headed to the hospital. We had met our birth mom Jane* and her husband Jim* about 8 weeks before and we built a beautiful relationship over this time. We could absolutely imagine having an open adoption together and staying connected through life. When we arrived at the hospital we found Jane and Jim in tears. I immediately thought they might have had a change of heart, which means they decided to keep the baby and need to tell us this now. We were prepared for that moment…but we weren’t prepared for the moment that was about to come…Jane looked at us and spoke with a broken voice.. she could hardly speak…all I heard was…no heartbeat anymore…there is no heartbeat anymore…it kept echoing in my head…I became numb…I did not feel anything…all I did was starring at her tummy… and I could not believe that this little baby was dead…how..she hadn’t even been born yet…all monitors around us showed the heartbeat of the other babies in labor – only ours was just a still line…We staid the whole day with Jane and Jim in the hospital room…we had gotten so close over the 8 weeks…a little baby girl had connected us it was so hard to part at this point. It felt only natural to stay and talk, holding each other and crying together in order to understand the unbearable that just had happened. We sat together for 8 hours until Jane’s body was ready to deliver the baby. When Andy and I left in the late evening we carried home an empty car seat. It was the most brutal experience in our lives, expecting birth and dealing with death instead…the following night my whole body ached, it felt like I had lost the baby, too. Continue reading
This week I read a very interesting interview about Prince Harry. He speaks about how he had shut down his feelings after his mom died when he was 12 years old. We all remember the scandalous headlines about him in his twenties and beyond. He opened up now in his latest interview about how lost he had been during this time and how he had never allowed himself to be sad about his mom’s death. He thought, being sad and thinking of her wouldn’t bring her back anyway.
As sad as it is…it is true, but still our body and mind need to grief in order to process our feelings. Emotions come with motions (as the word says e-motion) and they need their outlet. If they don’t have one they will keep boiling inside. We can live like that for a while, because we will have the perfect inner managers in line, who will distract us constantly, so we won’t even come near our sad feelings. Distracting with things such as work, parties, excessive sports, alcohol, drugs and so on. In extremis we will feel like a stranger to us.
Doesn’t Prince Harry’s former scandalous headlines start to make sense now…? Continue reading
‘There is no grief like that one that does not speak.’ Indeed there is nothing more healing than opening up to a friend about our struggles. It brings pure sunshine into our day – we feel connected and supported. However what if we open up to someone and we are not heard and seen? The person either changed the subject or started to talk about his/her own issues or said platitudes such as “all will be fine”. Now our vulnerable feelings are all out there and we are left alone with them. What if this person is a good friend or family member? Someone we thought we are safe with and we thought is caring about us…why do people have reactions like this?
Unfortunately, because we are so close, we always have higher expectations towards friends and family members, it is unavoidable to not become emotional about it. Of course most people’s intention is to support, they just often don’t know how. When everything is great in life, it is easy to get along, but when life happens and people struggle we need each other. However not everybody is always a good match during this time. No matter how close we are.
We would think reasons for this behavior could be, they are in a different life situation or they have their own issues or are from another generation. What I have learned along the way is, it comes down to only one reason: Continue reading
When we go through difficult times in our life, we all know the first few seconds when we wake up in the morning and feel carefree…and all of the sudden a big memory wave brings back our reality. All we want to do at this point is turning around and falling back asleep away from any thoughts, fears and memories.
Getting our head back up needs power, but where is this power supposed to come from?
I like to look at life as a card game. The cards we hold in our hands are the ones that symbolize our life, some cards are interchangeable means we have control over things and others aren’t – means we have no control – it is what it is. Some are good cards and some not so much. It is a mix, but it still gives us the possibility to play our best game possible. We just need to keep our eyes on all cards and not just focus on one.
There is a wonderful experiment I read about a couple years ago: Continue reading
Waiting period filled with miscarriages, IVF attempts or “just” getting the monthly period is a process of grieving. I will talk in this blog about what helps not to become desperate and bitter during this time that can be very devastating. We often hear “you just need to let go”.
If it was that easy grieving wouldn’t be existing. Letting go means accepting first – and accepting is a process. We need to acknowledge our feelings first and allow them to be. By doing this we learn to observe and manage them, which helps us taking decisions that are best for us.
For example. Is it ok for me today to go to my friend’s baby shower? If it doesn’t feel OK we have to learn to allow ourself to say “No” without thinking we are not a good friend. Even, if friends or families don’t understand. This is a very painful time where we need to be our own backup and not our best pusher in order to please others. Maybe on another day it does feel OK.
When we learn how to manage our feelings and be kind to ourself, we create more space and positive energy for ourselves thereby coping with our situation feels lighter. You will be surprised how strong and confident you will become and how happy you will feel for others, despite the fact your own situation hasn’t changed yet.
Enjoy your day! With each new day you are getting closer to your journey’s happy end…
This blog is about my fertility and adoption journey. It was a period of 7 years and is was the hardest time I have been through in my life.
My fertility coach became my greatest support all along our journey and even beyond. Through her I learned about the healing method called IFS (Internal Family System), which I will write about in this blog, too. It was my life changer.
I will share with you my experiences and what has helped me along the way. I hope it will be helpful and supportive to you as well as to your family and friends, because unfortunately they often don’t know how to be the right support during this time.
You will find all different kind of topics throughout the blog, such as Family, Friends, IVF, Grieving, Collateral Beauty, Society, Confidence, Adoption, Feelings, IFS (Internal Family System) and I am sure many more along the way.
Enjoy reading and don’t forget you are not alone in this!