The Holidays – Why is wishing for a baby even more painful during this time?

Christmas background of Christmas gingerbread cookies cinnamon s

Christmas – the most wonderful time of the year. Everything is wrapped in a magical coat of warm and colorful lights; the smell of cookies and candles is everywhere. Family and friends are coming together and are joyfully chatting about their year. Everything could be so wonderful, if only there wasn’t the pain. The pain of the baby wish that hasn’t come true yet. Emotions don’t just know one direction. The beauty of lights, cookies, precious and cozy times not only bring up joy, but also emotional pain. There might has been the dream of being pregnant and announcing it on Christmas, by either shouting it out loud or wrapping the positive pregnancy test or just a pair of little baby shoes in a beautiful little box and giving it to the future father waiting for his face to explode in joy. Or simply just sitting with a big belly under the Christmas tree excited to welcome this little baby soon on this earth. Fantasies and dreams have no boundaries. However all there is for now is only the frustration that it didn’t happen yet, the powerless feeling of not being in control, let alone the despair of the ups and downs this fertility journey has caused so far.

We see others living our dream and celebrating Christmas and being so happy. We are happy for them, too, but deep inside we feel the pain it causes in us, still waiting, trying and painfully receiving one “not pregnant” after the other. Sometimes we don’t even want to go in front of the door, because everywhere are reminders; women being pregnant, babies in strollers, coworkers showing pictures etc. It seems endless and what is even worse – it is impossible to escape. I felt sometimes hunted, even my plants or the animals outside seemed more fertile than me. Watching my favorite soap wasn’t even safe anymore, being interrupted by diaper, baby food or any other “happily ever after family” commercial.

So what can we do during Christmas to reduce our pain and manage our emotions wisely? Continue reading

8 needs that had helped me to get through our brutal fertility journey…

Geiranger fjord, Beautiful Nature Norway panorama. Nature photogA woman asked me recently…”what can I do that this brutal journey doesn’t destroy me…?”

I know her feelings only too well, I have been there. It cost so much energy. Wanting to become a mom and receiving many “not pregnant” along the way – is very devastating. At the same time seeing others living your dream – is so stressful.

How can we even get through this without getting destroyed along the way? I learned it by making a U-turn. I had to get know myself very well in order to be able to help and support myself and not to fall apart.

We had about 110 “No” along our 7-years fertility journey, whether it was a “not pregnant” or a “no baby” during our adoption journey. It was a lot to take in. I had to find my needs in order to get through this brutal journey.

Here some of my stories finding my core needs. Continue reading

“ARE YOU HAPPY”? How is it possible to be happy when life hits us?

concept for effort, determination, escape, flight, escape, womanHow often do we hear and read about the magic sentence ARE YOU HAPPY? We all want to answer with a straight YES of course – but how difficult is this, if we go through difficult times, whether it is at work, in a relationship, illness, whatever life has in store for us or as in our case going through infertility…

In some life situations we are in control and have the power to change something, if we are unhappy, but sometimes we are not. We are helpless and powerless about the outcome and that is the most exhausting situation to be in.

My husband and I while we were on our fertility journey we were often concerned to turn into a bitter couple which cannot be around their friends anymore, because everybody had kids and it seemed to happen so naturally to them that it even caused a feeling of failure and shame in us…There were tons of feelings going on, strange ones…I sometimes thought I am losing myself. Year after year no changes, year after year more and more pregnancy announcements and year after year more and more “No” on our side. I felt our life was put on hold and only the others got to move on…

Something had to change; I did not want to live like that. Continue reading

How do men feel being on a fertility journey and how is it possible to support each other?

bigstock--154407380In my recent post I wrote about how women feel when they go through fertility issues. I received a beautiful comment on this post that said. “Please don’t forget to also talk about men and their feelings being on this journey”. Thank you for bringing it up – I love receiving your comments. I was planning on doing an extra post for men and this will be the topic today.

Men always seem very strong, which of course is also something that society (sadly) expects from them, but how does their inside look like wanting to become a dad and going through fertility issues and a waiting period with their loved one?

They often don’t know how much of their pain they should show and how much is better to hide. They might also feel overwhelmed by their feelings because they maybe weren’t raised talking about them or sharing them. At the same time feeling the same pain as their wife does makes them often think they need to be the strong one in the relationship, which unfortunately often leads to the assumption that they don’t care that much.

Continue reading

How to be a loving support to a woman who is on a fertility journey…

Coffee Cup At Sunset Or Sunrise Beach In The With Lens Flare. WaI would like to give a little shout out about how to act around women who are struggling with fertility…I hope it doesn’t come across like a preach with a pointing finger. That is not my intention. I see it as a loving and caring guideline for both sides, the women who struggle and the friends and families who like to know how to support their loved ones.

I know it is not easy to always find the right words when being with a friend who struggles to become pregnant, because to many people this pain is hard to comprehend. It is also uncomfortable listening to someone else’s pain. We always tend to leave this uncomfortable zone a.s.a.p. by using platitudes such as; all will be fine, it will happen etc. However the best way to support your friend that struggles is to confirm that this must be a hard journey and that it is indeed unfair and you wished you had any power to do something about it. Offering to be there when she needs you and listening is the biggest gift you can make. Continue reading

Who can I open up to during tough times and to whom better not..?

bigstock--141879596‘There is no grief like that one that does not speak.’ Indeed there is nothing more healing than opening up to a friend about our struggles. It brings pure sunshine into our day – we feel connected and supported. However what if we open up to someone and we are not heard and seen? The person either changed the subject or started to talk about his/her own issues or said platitudes such as “all will be fine”. Now our vulnerable feelings are all out there and we are left alone with them. What if this person is a good friend or family member? Someone we thought we are safe with and we thought is caring about us…why do people have reactions like this?

Unfortunately, because we are so close, we always have higher expectations towards friends and family members, it is unavoidable to not become emotional about it. Of course most people’s intention is to support, they just often don’t know how. When everything is great in life, it is easy to get along, but when life happens and people struggle we need each other. However not everybody is always a good match during this time. No matter how close we are.

We would think reasons for this behavior could be, they are in a different life situation or they have their own issues or are from another generation. What I have learned along the way is, it comes down to only one reason: Continue reading

Introduction

cropped-bigstock-coffee-cup-on-wood-table-at-su-933889911.jpgDear Reader,

This blog is about my fertility and adoption journey. It was a period of 7 years and is was the hardest time I have been through in my life.

My fertility coach became my greatest support all along our journey and even beyond. Through her I learned about the healing method called IFS (Internal Family System), which I will write about in this blog, too. It was my life changer.

I will share with you my experiences and what has helped me along the way. I hope it will be helpful and supportive to you as well as to your family and friends, because unfortunately they often don’t know how to be the right support during this time.

You will find all different kind of topics throughout the blog, such as Family, Friends, IVF, Grieving, Collateral Beauty, Society, Confidence, Adoption, Feelings, IFS (Internal Family System) and I am sure many more along the way.

Enjoy reading and don’t forget you are not alone in this!