I was at a fertility yoga workshop last week and the teacher asked me to join this workshop in order to share my fertility story. I was happy to do this. What I did not think about or see coming was that I was sitting in the same room where I had been before for an exceptional painful session with my fertility coach. I could feel how pictures and feelings came back, it felt like a big wave of the past was trying to find its way through my body…I remembered, we were on our adoption journey and the birth mom who selected us went into labor. She called us in the morning when her contractions had started and told us, it’s time to meet at the hospital. Andy and I we were so excited we dropped everything and headed to the hospital. We had met our birth mom Jane* and her husband Jim* about 8 weeks before and we built a beautiful relationship over this time. We could absolutely imagine having an open adoption together and staying connected through life. When we arrived at the hospital we found Jane and Jim in tears. I immediately thought they might have had a change of heart, which means they decided to keep the baby and need to tell us this now. We were prepared for that moment…but we weren’t prepared for the moment that was about to come…Jane looked at us and spoke with a broken voice.. she could hardly speak…all I heard was…no heartbeat anymore…there is no heartbeat anymore…it kept echoing in my head…I became numb…I did not feel anything…all I did was starring at her tummy… and I could not believe that this little baby was dead…how..she hadn’t even been born yet…all monitors around us showed the heartbeat of the other babies in labor – only ours was just a still line…We staid the whole day with Jane and Jim in the hospital room…we had gotten so close over the 8 weeks…a little baby girl had connected us it was so hard to part at this point. It felt only natural to stay and talk, holding each other and crying together in order to understand the unbearable that just had happened. We sat together for 8 hours until Jane’s body was ready to deliver the baby. When Andy and I left in the late evening we carried home an empty car seat. It was the most brutal experience in our lives, expecting birth and dealing with death instead…the following night my whole body ached, it felt like I had lost the baby, too. Continue reading
When we go through difficult times in our life, we all know the first few seconds when we wake up in the morning and feel carefree…and all of the sudden a big memory wave brings back our reality. All we want to do at this point is turning around and falling back asleep away from any thoughts, fears and memories.
Getting our head back up needs power, but where is this power supposed to come from?
I like to look at life as a card game. The cards we hold in our hands are the ones that symbolize our life, some cards are interchangeable means we have control over things and others aren’t – means we have no control – it is what it is. Some are good cards and some not so much. It is a mix, but it still gives us the possibility to play our best game possible. We just need to keep our eyes on all cards and not just focus on one.
There is a wonderful experiment I read about a couple years ago: Continue reading
I wrote in my blog before that if we allow ourselves to feel negative feelings we create more space and positive energy in our body. How else is it possible to build this healing space and energy? By indulging our 5 senses. It allows us to pause and to stop the world around us for a few seconds or even a few minutes. It is a good way to reconnect with our body in order to sooth and nurture it.
We often think winding down, relaxing needs to be planned and we need to make big time for it. Making little time a few minutes a day just for ourselves is always possible. It’s all about sensing your 5 senses mindfully. It can be the taste of your coffee or tea, the walk you take wherever you go or the view out of a window you enjoy wherever you wait or sit. Any feeling. It is not about the best taste or the best view it is about your awareness. About taking a pause from any situation. It is the key to bring more ease and peace into your life.
Indulging yourself means being kind to yourself. A lot of people have a hard time with it, because most of the time we keep pushing ourselves to accomplish faster, to be better and to work harder. We become quickly disappointed and critical with ourselves. We would never treat our friends the way we treat ourselves.
Think about it. Are you kind to yourself?