The Holidays – Why is wishing for a baby even more painful during this time?

Christmas background of Christmas gingerbread cookies cinnamon s

Christmas – the most wonderful time of the year. Everything is wrapped in a magical coat of warm and colorful lights; the smell of cookies and candles is everywhere. Family and friends are coming together and are joyfully chatting about their year. Everything could be so wonderful, if only there wasn’t the pain. The pain of the baby wish that hasn’t come true yet. Emotions don’t just know one direction. The beauty of lights, cookies, precious and cozy times not only bring up joy, but also emotional pain. There might has been the dream of being pregnant and announcing it on Christmas, by either shouting it out loud or wrapping the positive pregnancy test or just a pair of little baby shoes in a beautiful little box and giving it to the future father waiting for his face to explode in joy. Or simply just sitting with a big belly under the Christmas tree excited to welcome this little baby soon on this earth. Fantasies and dreams have no boundaries. However all there is for now is only the frustration that it didn’t happen yet, the powerless feeling of not being in control, let alone the despair of the ups and downs this fertility journey has caused so far.

We see others living our dream and celebrating Christmas and being so happy. We are happy for them, too, but deep inside we feel the pain it causes in us, still waiting, trying and painfully receiving one “not pregnant” after the other. Sometimes we don’t even want to go in front of the door, because everywhere are reminders; women being pregnant, babies in strollers, coworkers showing pictures etc. It seems endless and what is even worse – it is impossible to escape. I felt sometimes hunted, even my plants or the animals outside seemed more fertile than me. Watching my favorite soap wasn’t even safe anymore, being interrupted by diaper, baby food or any other “happily ever after family” commercial.

So what can we do during Christmas to reduce our pain and manage our emotions wisely? Continue reading

8 needs that had helped me to get through our brutal fertility journey…

Geiranger fjord, Beautiful Nature Norway panorama. Nature photogA woman asked me recently…”what can I do that this brutal journey doesn’t destroy me…?”

I know her feelings only too well, I have been there. It cost so much energy. Wanting to become a mom and receiving many “not pregnant” along the way – is very devastating. At the same time seeing others living your dream – is so stressful.

How can we even get through this without getting destroyed along the way? I learned it by making a U-turn. I had to get know myself very well in order to be able to help and support myself and not to fall apart.

We had about 110 “No” along our 7-years fertility journey, whether it was a “not pregnant” or a “no baby” during our adoption journey. It was a lot to take in. I had to find my needs in order to get through this brutal journey.

Here some of my stories finding my core needs. Continue reading

“ARE YOU HAPPY”? How is it possible to be happy when life hits us?

concept for effort, determination, escape, flight, escape, womanHow often do we hear and read about the magic sentence ARE YOU HAPPY? We all want to answer with a straight YES of course – but how difficult is this, if we go through difficult times, whether it is at work, in a relationship, illness, whatever life has in store for us or as in our case going through infertility…

In some life situations we are in control and have the power to change something, if we are unhappy, but sometimes we are not. We are helpless and powerless about the outcome and that is the most exhausting situation to be in.

My husband and I while we were on our fertility journey we were often concerned to turn into a bitter couple which cannot be around their friends anymore, because everybody had kids and it seemed to happen so naturally to them that it even caused a feeling of failure and shame in us…There were tons of feelings going on, strange ones…I sometimes thought I am losing myself. Year after year no changes, year after year more and more pregnancy announcements and year after year more and more “No” on our side. I felt our life was put on hold and only the others got to move on…

Something had to change; I did not want to live like that. Continue reading

When feelings from the past overwhelm us, how can we handle them and even turn them into a healing experience?

IMG_3253I was at a fertility yoga workshop last week and the teacher asked me to join this workshop in order to share my fertility story. I was happy to do this. What I did not think about or see coming was that I was sitting in the same room where I had been before for an exceptional painful session with my fertility coach. I could feel how pictures and feelings came back, it felt like a big wave of the past was trying to find its way through my body…I remembered, we were on our adoption journey and the birth mom who selected us went into labor. She called us in the morning when her contractions had started and told us, it’s time to meet at the hospital. Andy and I we were so excited we dropped everything and headed to the hospital. We had met our birth mom Jane* and her husband Jim* about 8 weeks before and we built a beautiful relationship over this time. We could absolutely imagine having an open adoption together and staying connected through life. When we arrived at the hospital we found Jane and Jim in tears. I immediately thought they might have had a change of heart, which means they decided to keep the baby and need to tell us this now. We were prepared for that moment…but we weren’t prepared for the moment that was about to come…Jane looked at us and spoke with a broken voice.. she could hardly speak…all I heard was…no heartbeat anymore…there is no heartbeat anymore…it kept echoing in my head…I became numb…I did not feel anything…all I did was starring at her tummy… and I could not believe that this little baby was dead…how..she hadn’t even been born yet…all monitors around us showed the heartbeat of the other babies in labor – only ours was just a still line…We staid the whole day with Jane and Jim in the hospital room…we had gotten so close over the 8 weeks…a little baby girl had connected us it was so hard to part at this point. It felt only natural to stay and talk, holding each other and crying together in order to understand the unbearable that just had happened. We sat together for 8 hours until Jane’s body was ready to deliver the baby. When Andy and I left in the late evening we carried home an empty car seat. It was the most brutal experience in our lives, expecting birth and dealing with death instead…the following night my whole body ached, it felt like I had lost the baby, too. Continue reading

Where is my power supposed to come from while I am going through tough times?

When we go through difficult times in our life, we all know the first few seconds when we wake up in the morning and feel carefree…and all of the sudden a big memory wave brings back our reality. All we want to do at this point is turning around and falling back asleep away from any thoughts, fears and memories.

Getting our head back up needs power, but where is this power supposed to come from?

I like to look at life as a card game. The cards we hold in our hands are the ones that symbolize our life, some cards are interchangeable means we have control over things and others aren’t – means we have no control – it is what it is. Some are good cards and some not so much. It is a mix, but it still gives us the possibility to play our best game possible. We just need to keep our eyes on all cards and not just focus on one.

There is a wonderful experiment I read about a couple years ago: Continue reading

Indulge Your Five Senses

I wrote in bigstock--168694820my blog before that if we allow ourselves to feel negative feelings we create more space and positive energy in our body. How else is it possible to build this healing space and energy? By indulging our 5 senses. It allows us to pause and to stop the world around us for a few seconds or even a few minutes. It is a good way to reconnect with our body in order to sooth and nurture it.

We often think winding down, relaxing needs to be planned and we need to make big time for it. Making little time a few minutes a day just for ourselves is always possible. It’s all about sensing your 5 senses mindfully. It can be the taste of your coffee or tea, the walk you take wherever you go or the view out of a window you enjoy wherever you wait or sit. Any feeling. It is not about the best taste or the best view it is about your awareness. About taking a pause from any situation. It is the key to bring more ease and peace into your life.

Indulging yourself means being kind to yourself. A lot of people have a hard time with it, because most of the time we keep pushing ourselves to accomplish faster, to be better and to work harder. We become quickly disappointed and critical with ourselves. We would never treat our friends the way we treat ourselves.

Think about it. Are you kind to yourself?