How do men feel being on a fertility journey and how is it possible to support each other?

bigstock--154407380In my recent post I wrote about how women feel when they go through fertility issues. I received a beautiful comment on this post that said. “Please don’t forget to also talk about men and their feelings being on this journey”. Thank you for bringing it up – I love receiving your comments. I was planning on doing an extra post for men and this will be the topic today.

Men always seem very strong, which of course is also something that society (sadly) expects from them, but how does their inside look like wanting to become a dad and going through fertility issues and a waiting period with their loved one?

They often don’t know how much of their pain they should show and how much is better to hide. They might also feel overwhelmed by their feelings because they maybe weren’t raised talking about them or sharing them. At the same time feeling the same pain as their wife does makes them often think they need to be the strong one in the relationship, which unfortunately often leads to the assumption that they don’t care that much.

For men who want to become a dad the pain doesn’t vary from the pain women go through…it is the same sadness hearing others announcing their pregnancy…the same frustration about the one million dollars questions such as “do you have kids” or “why don’t you have kids yet”…or the same despair seeing other women being pregnant, a couple pushing a stroller or watching a father playing with his kids in the park…

Seeing their loved one’s pain which isn’t fixable and the ugly inevitable feeling of failure and not to forget their own pain – is a hard role to be in. I don’t want to excuse any disappointing behavior, but it might explain why it takes sometimes time to find the right way to support each other along the way. It needs a lot of understanding of each other’s roles.

Waiting to become a mother can be painful and frustrating and it can be the same for a man, but of course everybody is different. Even women act differently on this journey, what’s hard for one doesn’t mean it’s as hard for another one. Men also coming from another biological background feel and think again differently. As well as there are women who don’t have a strong feeling of becoming a mother or don’t even want to be one there are also men who feel the same way. Therefore it is extremely crucial to talk about any feeling along the way and share what it is like for each part. That will give answers to all the assumptions that go on in each other’s heads.

I recently talked to a woman who just learned that her IVF attempt had failed. She told me she called her husband and told him the sad news, he went silent for a second and said then. “Oh ok…I was planning on going to Target after work…do you need anything?” She was so upset about his unemotional reaction – understandably. However I told her to sit down with him at the same night and talk about each other’s feelings. It is most likely he reacted like that because he noticed how upset his wife was and that he was afraid of making it worse showing his own sadness, too. He might have thought he had to be the strong one. Communication is always key, even if it is painful and we are not on the same page emotionally. As long as we are open to accept, understand and support each other’s feelings we can still find our balance together.

I often hear that women feel their husbands seem fine with the thought of not having children. I am still convinced that they often say this to give a positive perspective and yes maybe they can picture a life without kids more easily. As we know everybody is different. However I also believe that mother nature does its job to keep evolution running, of course on men and women. Anyhow since women carry the babies I feel nature is still stronger on women…which might answer why women cannot picture so easily not having kids.

My husband for example has been always a magnet for kids, no matter where we go and no matter whether they are infants, toddlers or preschoolers, they all love him and he plays with them for hours. That made it very hard for me during our fertility journey and it put even more pressure on me. I sometimes wished he wouldn’t care that much and he would be Ok with having no kids.

I think it doesn’t matter in which direction men tend, whether they seem ok with having no kids or as in our case the other extreme. In order to find a loving balance with each other’s baby wish it is important to talk about each other’s feelings. It is also important of being aware that it is hard being the right support for someone who shares the same pain. As a matter of fact it is a tricky mixture – on the one hand it is easy, because the pain is familiar, but on the other it is also very challenging.

I remember times, when I seemed to be in a good place, but my husband wasn’t and he wanted to talk about it. My very first thought was. “Oh no please don’t take me down. I am so happy being in a good place right now”. Of course we talked about it and I supported him, but that wasn’t always easy, because seeing my husband sad made me sad and seeing him losing hope made it difficult for me staying hopeful. Same vise versa. And then there were times where we supported each other without losing our own positivity. It was different from day to day or moment to moment. Very unpredictable.

Fertility issues are constantly pulling on both and it is not controllable. What made it easier for us was accepting being in a painful situation and not pretending everything is fine. We allowed our feelings along the way and tried to be honest about them and open with each other. Accepting the frustration and pain led to more ease, peace and love in our relationship. This waiting period takes a lot of energy and puts a lot of weight on a marriage…However if you keep communicating about your emotions there is a great chance you will come out on the other side as a very strong couple. There isn’t a lot then anymore that can tip the marriage boat – because you have learned so much about each other. So at the end there is even a little silver lining being on a fertility journey.

Keep up the communication and stay interested in each other roles. Both roles aren’t easy that is for sure.

Let me know your experiences. What has helped you as a couple to get through this waiting period together?

Thinking of you! Have a great day!

 

How to be a loving support to a woman who is on a fertility journey…

Coffee Cup At Sunset Or Sunrise Beach In The With Lens Flare. WaI would like to give a little shout out about how to act around women who are struggling with fertility…I hope it doesn’t come across like a preach with a pointing finger. That is not my intention. I see it as a loving and caring guideline for both sides, the women who struggle and the friends and families who like to know how to support their loved ones.

I know it is not easy to always find the right words when being with a friend who struggles to become pregnant, because to many people this pain is hard to comprehend. It is also uncomfortable listening to someone else’s pain. We always tend to leave this uncomfortable zone a.s.a.p. by using platitudes such as; all will be fine, it will happen etc. However the best way to support your friend that struggles is to confirm that this must be a hard journey and that it is indeed unfair and you wished you had any power to do something about it. Offering to be there when she needs you and listening is the biggest gift you can make. Continue reading

When feelings from the past overwhelm us, how can we handle them and even turn them into a healing experience?

IMG_3253I was at a fertility yoga workshop last week and the teacher asked me to join this workshop in order to share my fertility story. I was happy to do this. What I did not think about or see coming was that I was sitting in the same room where I had been before for an exceptional painful session with my fertility coach. I could feel how pictures and feelings came back, it felt like a big wave of the past was trying to find its way through my body…I remembered, we were on our adoption journey and the birth mom who selected us went into labor. She called us in the morning when her contractions had started and told us, it’s time to meet at the hospital. Andy and I we were so excited we dropped everything and headed to the hospital. We had met our birth mom Jane* and her husband Jim* about 8 weeks before and we built a beautiful relationship over this time. We could absolutely imagine having an open adoption together and staying connected through life. When we arrived at the hospital we found Jane and Jim in tears. I immediately thought they might have had a change of heart, which means they decided to keep the baby and need to tell us this now. We were prepared for that moment…but we weren’t prepared for the moment that was about to come…Jane looked at us and spoke with a broken voice.. she could hardly speak…all I heard was…no heartbeat anymore…there is no heartbeat anymore…it kept echoing in my head…I became numb…I did not feel anything…all I did was starring at her tummy… and I could not believe that this little baby was dead…how..she hadn’t even been born yet…all monitors around us showed the heartbeat of the other babies in labor – only ours was just a still line…We staid the whole day with Jane and Jim in the hospital room…we had gotten so close over the 8 weeks…a little baby girl had connected us it was so hard to part at this point. It felt only natural to stay and talk, holding each other and crying together in order to understand the unbearable that just had happened. We sat together for 8 hours until Jane’s body was ready to deliver the baby. When Andy and I left in the late evening we carried home an empty car seat. It was the most brutal experience in our lives, expecting birth and dealing with death instead…the following night my whole body ached, it felt like I had lost the baby, too. Continue reading

Prince Harry before and after – what a life saver it had been for him opening up about his feelings…

Daisy Flower In The Desert

This week I read a very interesting interview about Prince Harry. He speaks about how he had shut down his feelings after his mom died when he was 12 years old. We all remember the scandalous headlines about him in his twenties and beyond. He opened up now in his latest interview about how lost he had been during this time and how he had never allowed himself to be sad about his mom’s death. He thought, being sad and thinking of her wouldn’t bring her back anyway.

As sad as it is…it is true, but still our body and mind need to grief in order to process our feelings. Emotions come with motions (as the word says e-motion) and they need their outlet. If they don’t have one they will keep boiling inside. We can live like that for a while, because we will have the perfect inner managers in line, who will distract us constantly, so we won’t even come near our sad feelings. Distracting with things such as work, parties, excessive sports, alcohol, drugs and so on. In extremis we will feel like a stranger to us.

Doesn’t Prince Harry’s former scandalous headlines start to make sense now…? Continue reading

Who can I open up to during tough times and to whom better not..?

bigstock--141879596‘There is no grief like that one that does not speak.’ Indeed there is nothing more healing than opening up to a friend about our struggles. It brings pure sunshine into our day – we feel connected and supported. However what if we open up to someone and we are not heard and seen? The person either changed the subject or started to talk about his/her own issues or said platitudes such as “all will be fine”. Now our vulnerable feelings are all out there and we are left alone with them. What if this person is a good friend or family member? Someone we thought we are safe with and we thought is caring about us…why do people have reactions like this?

Unfortunately, because we are so close, we always have higher expectations towards friends and family members, it is unavoidable to not become emotional about it. Of course most people’s intention is to support, they just often don’t know how. When everything is great in life, it is easy to get along, but when life happens and people struggle we need each other. However not everybody is always a good match during this time. No matter how close we are.

We would think reasons for this behavior could be, they are in a different life situation or they have their own issues or are from another generation. What I have learned along the way is, it comes down to only one reason: Continue reading

Where is my power supposed to come from while I am going through tough times?

When we go through difficult times in our life, we all know the first few seconds when we wake up in the morning and feel carefree…and all of the sudden a big memory wave brings back our reality. All we want to do at this point is turning around and falling back asleep away from any thoughts, fears and memories.

Getting our head back up needs power, but where is this power supposed to come from?

I like to look at life as a card game. The cards we hold in our hands are the ones that symbolize our life, some cards are interchangeable means we have control over things and others aren’t – means we have no control – it is what it is. Some are good cards and some not so much. It is a mix, but it still gives us the possibility to play our best game possible. We just need to keep our eyes on all cards and not just focus on one.

There is a wonderful experiment I read about a couple years ago: Continue reading

Why is your Self the best therapist?

Today I want to write about IFS the Internal Family System Model that has helped me so much throughout our journey. It is about making a U-turn into our Internal System. It is called ‘Family’ because all our different parts/feelings are our internal family and create who we are. The model gives an insight into our feelings and acting. You get to know yourself on many different levels which helps to deal with any ups and downs in life. And not just that you also learn to understand other people’s actions better and you will interact with much more ease. Let me explain more…

Does the following sound familiar to you? “She is not herSelf anymore”…or “I don’t know what’s wrong, but that is not Me, I normally don’t act like this…”

When we are in ourSelf, we are balanced, confident and compassionate. You can tell when you meet someone who is balanced and genuinely happy for others. They act and speak from their heart. When we feel in contrast anger, jealousy or bitterness to just name a few, we let our parts speak. We tend to lash out and nothing is good enough. We become unbalanced and our Self/heart is taken over by our parts. It becomes even visible in our facial expressions and voice. We all know how people full of anger or bitterness appear. Underneath all this acting lays unprocessed pain. Our most precious vulnerable feelings/parts got locked away in order to avoid listening to what they need to say.

Let me give you an example from my journey. Continue reading