Christmas – the most wonderful time of the year. Everything is wrapped in a magical coat of warm and colorful lights; the smell of cookies and candles is everywhere. Family and friends are coming together and are joyfully chatting about their year. Everything could be so wonderful, if only there wasn’t the pain. The pain of the baby wish that hasn’t come true yet. Emotions don’t just know one direction. The beauty of lights, cookies, precious and cozy times not only bring up joy, but also emotional pain. There might has been the dream of being pregnant and announcing it on Christmas, by either shouting it out loud or wrapping the positive pregnancy test or just a pair of little baby shoes in a beautiful little box and giving it to the future father waiting for his face to explode in joy. Or simply just sitting with a big belly under the Christmas tree excited to welcome this little baby soon on this earth. Fantasies and dreams have no boundaries. However all there is for now is only the frustration that it didn’t happen yet, the powerless feeling of not being in control, let alone the despair of the ups and downs this fertility journey has caused so far.
We see others living our dream and celebrating Christmas and being so happy. We are happy for them, too, but deep inside we feel the pain it causes in us, still waiting, trying and painfully receiving one “not pregnant” after the other. Sometimes we don’t even want to go in front of the door, because everywhere are reminders; women being pregnant, babies in strollers, coworkers showing pictures etc. It seems endless and what is even worse – it is impossible to escape. I felt sometimes hunted, even my plants or the animals outside seemed more fertile than me. Watching my favorite soap wasn’t even safe anymore, being interrupted by diaper, baby food or any other “happily ever after family” commercial.
So what can we do during Christmas to reduce our pain and manage our emotions wisely? Continue reading